Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Process Of Remembering Who I Am

Finding yourself is not an easy task. I avoid it at all costs some days. On other days, I am acutely aware that I need to continue searching. I've been trying new things, remembering old things I used to enjoy.

When I was a little girl I used to enjoy swinging on swings, playing with imaginary characters. I used to pretend I was those characters. The spring in Long Island had air was so sweet I could taste it. There was often a soft haze, early in the morning, that I could see when I looked up at the pine trees in that soft light. I would breathe in as deeply as I could. I was too young then to take a picture of it so I committed it to memory, looking forward to the next morning when I could see it again.

I wish I was able to play with my imaginary characters again without the worry that I was not being adult, that something must be wrong with me, that I would be embarrassed. I wish I could remember how to pretend to be those characters again, to swing. Swinging wouldn't be that hard to do, but the rest...I'm not sure. But, I can find the light. I can take a camera today and capture the light so I can look at it again, commit it to memory as I did when I was a child.

The child I was still exists within me. The things I loved as a child I still love today. Part of who I am is that child; perhaps part of remembering who I am is remembering who I was. I still see the light in the trees, still breathe fresh air in as deeply as I can. I still want my imaginary characters; there was safety in the escape I found with them. Some days, I want to be those characters but haven't admitted that to myself until now.

This is part of who I am. 

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